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Thanksgiving Pretty

It's pretty ridiculous how excited this picture has me! I hate Breaking Dawn with a tremendous passion yet I am still thrilled for any scrap of information about the movie- at least scraps that come in visual form that I can disassociate from the book's plot.

And in other pretty news there is this post from celebitchy that has me all reflective and semi-inspired:

Mila looks amazing in this photo and I know that the take away message of the post is that she was being unhealthy but I don't care. I appreciate how open Mila is about her weight and that she acknowledges the issue-that she looks better in photos and on film at the lower weight.

Google Fu tells me that Mila is 5'3 so I've got 3 inches on her. But I am using this information to get my new, more realistic goal. I want to be 105-110 instead of my previous goal 95-100. I don't think that is a dangerous weight for my height, especially considering how much lower my previous goal was. There is something about being in the double digits that is just hugely fascinating to me though. But I think I am just too tall to pull that off.

Anyhoo I love the post and I am feeling so good already. Yesterday I was so excited about my new plans that I ended up fasting and then having cream of wheat around 11pm. Today has been another cream of wheat day so far but I have to go to Thanksgiving at my aunt's in a few hours so I know I'll be eating more then. Luckily the whole vegan thing is a fantastic thing to tell my carnivore family members to get off my back because they know there won't be much there I could eat even if I wanted too.

I also went to the gym yesterday for the first time in ages and it felt great. I didn't do very much but I think it was more of a mental game to get back there. So hooray for new beginnings and for feeling like something good is happening in my life again.

Also I am watching the Westminster Kennel Club show at the moment and I can't handle the preciousness of all these dogs! So cute :)

And I can't get enough of Carol Burnett on Glee, so awesome!

Which leads to how great this duet is:
scroll to 3:45

I just wish there was a way I could hang on to this feeling of hope and happiness all the time as dorky as that sounds. I can't figure out what has really changed but I just feel like this time things are going to work out how I want them to. :)

I do love to make a list.

I love surveys at least when they are about books. Copied from haperkins

Copy this into your NOTES. Bold those books you've read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt. Give yourself 1 point for every book read, and 0.5 points for every book attempted.

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee

6 The Bible

8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens

11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch – George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis

34 Emma – Jane Austen

35 Persuasion – Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere

39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne

41 Animal Farm – George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving

45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding

50 Atonement – Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel

52 Dune – Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck

62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens

72 Dracula – Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses – James Joyce (HAH! -ed)

76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal – Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession – AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell 8

83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks

94 Watership Down – Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

53 points total

Reality Still Bites

Most of the time if I'm feeling inspired to post anything here its because I am feeling the need to unleash some massive venting... which is what is about to happen.

How is it possible to both love and hate the holidays so much? I can't go full on grinch because I love so much about this time of year but at the same time I always end up in a huge holiday malaise/depression not to mention my usual child borne illnesses (at the moment I'm coughing like Camille). I think being around so much tradition and family  forces me to reflect on my life and the lack of forward motion or change.

I seem to run down a list like this in my mind constantly:

still fat?
still single?
still penniless?
still debt ridden?
still hate my job?
still sick?
still have no plan to transform life?

I answer yes to all of the above and then move on to the more nit picky items:

still fruitlessly dreaming of world travel?
still no novel written?
still fantasizing about learning 80 million different things?
still monolingual?
still stuck in the same place with piano?
still living in childhood bedroom?

oh how that last one kills me if only for all that it symbolizes about the way I thought my life would turn out and the way it actually did.

its hard not to jump into my disordered eating when i'm feeling all these things pushing down on me that i want to change so much. i am a really talented dieter and i could accomplish something there as opposed to some of the other items on my list. And its something i care about. its tangible and hey its free. i could even save money too. ;)

this past week i had parent teacher conferences and several moms (sweet moms i have to say) wanted to know if i was dating anyone and its just embarrassing going through the whole rigamorale & speech about how much i love to be single when I so clearly don't love to be single.

i'm just annoyed with myself at the moment. i'm annoyed that i should be happy that report cards and parent conferences are over. i should be happy that i have the entire week off from school. i think i am just missing that happiness gene somehow. i got all the crazy genes instead minus any bonus moody artistic skills!

well tomorrow is a new day and i am going to try to slap some sense into myself. i have a big to do list going and at the very least i can stop obsessing and just channel my mind onto crossing stuff of the list. i am thinking of doing a quick cleanse until christmas. its only 5 weeks away and i think it would be really good for me to go into the new year feeling lighter, physically and spirtually. we shall see.

mad about the older man

Surprisingly I liked this movie in a lesser than Cold Comfort Farm, Jeeves & Wooster kind of way. Jessica Biel is some strange casting and I can't let go of her from 7th Heaven but I have reinstated my older man crush on Colin Firth. He is looking really old and paunchy in this and I still want to run away with him.

It's reminding me of my previous older man crush, Keanu! It's hard not to think Keanu is waiting for me ;)

And in materialism news I want one of these:

welcome to the maxi pad

I have decided I am done with being an adult. Or I'd at least like to go back in time to 5 years ago when I thought my life would turn out the way I planned. Graduating from college gives you all sorts of ridiculous expectations.

People talk about having a quarter life crisis and I am starting to believe in it. I am just so tired all the time. Tired. Tired. Tired.  The kind of tired that makes me think it would be lovely to check into a nice clinic somewhere. Maybe a nice clinic in Switzerland? Maybe I could be like all those celebrities who are being hospitalized for "exhaustion" except you know without the whole drug addiction thing going on.

I'm just tired of pretending that I care about the obnoxious children in my class. I am so afraid that the next mom who emails me to share the details of her child's latest bowel movement with me is going to unleash my full bitch wrath upon herself. I just don't care if your kid poops or not. I'm not a doctor, people. See the Teacher. Remember, they don't pay me enough to keep faking interest in all this. Basically I care about the two sweet kids in my class who have manners and want to learn. Everybody else, not so much.

I'm tired of being so sick all the time and of my teeth dropping out of my head. I'm tired of being poor and trapped. And I'm tired of the little money I do have going to  pay off my stupid medical bills.

I also then have to hate myself that I'm complaining about all of this. It's life. Lots of people deal with these problems and much worse and they find a way to be happy and deal with things.

I just don't know how to be happy and process any of this other than imagining that somehow it will all go away. I'll just wake up and my life post college was a bad dream. I'm sure that my real life involves marrying college boyfriend  who I keep trying to restrain myself from stalking online (fyi: I can't restrain myself from the googling and he married a dentist!)

I don't know how to be happy and it just makes me feel pathetic. I wish that I had things figured out.

Until I figure things out I'm going to keep fantasizing about my escape.

I want to move to West Hollywood or Prince Edward Island or Hawaii or pretty much anywhere that I can pretend that I am on vacation all the time. Mostly West Hollywood is on the top of my list for the vegan land of plenty and bounty that it is. I so did not want to leave this summer. It seems so wrong to me that I live in the most hippie/green place in the US and there are hardly any vegan restaurants (well, non gross vegan restaurants).

If my life was a movie (preferably a rom-com) this is the part where I would quit my job and open my own little vegan cafe which would heal my life through pure food and faciliate my personal meet cute with Mr/Ms Right....

Instead I get to wake up again tomorrow to spend my day with the most annoying children on earth in a spider infested, non air conditioned hell hole. The spider part is bothering me more than the kid & heat parts at the moment. Which leads me to the following disgusting story:

Today in the middle of playing the piano and singing "5 little pumpkins" with my class a spider crawled across my cheek and bit me.

It was the most creepy thing ever. I freaked out. My class freaked out. They were all like "Teacher why are you crying!" Obviously I stopped singing and the happy halloween times were over.

And now one side of my face is swollen. It is as attractive as you might imagine!

I had such high hopes for this school year. Sigh, sigh, sigh. I made it do day 21 of school feeling (sort of) energetic but at least mostly normal before evil child-borne  germs attacked me. I am so relieved that I could get  a substitute and lay in bed today. But it is depressing to use a sick day. Every single year that I have taught so far I have used more than my allotted sick days which docks my pay like crazy. I was hoping to not get sick at all or at least to hold out until much later in the year. I think whatever is wrong with me is being complicated by my dental woes as well. Stupid tooth getting infected and stupid dentist & oral surgeon who get to keep charging me exorbitant fees! :(

So being in bed all day on pain killers means lots of this:

And strangely enough this arrived in the mail this morning:
Reading a book about healing yourself through your diet is a strange experience when you already feel miserable. I'm reading it thinking "oh of course I could eliminate white flour, sugar, candy, etc, etc. That sound easy!" We'll see how these resolutions go once I am lucid and not feeling so motivated by feeling like death!

In other being online all day news I cannot wait to see this movie:

While I do still think Colin Firth is handsome seeing him age makes me feel super old since he was my first older man crush back in the day:

And my friend's little boy is rereading all the Harry Potter books in preparation for November's movie which also makes me feel old because I remember watching the first movie with him when he was so little (and hadn't learned to read yet) and every other scene he was whispering in my ear, "is Harry going to die?" He was highly concerned!

TwiFic Favorites

I have an on again off again relationship with twific. I love it when I am engrossed in something good but I seem to spend long stretches in between the great stories with nothing I can really get into. At the moment I'm in a drought. I need some more stories to love like I love these ones:

The Tutor

For the Summer

With Teeth

Sleepers, Awake

Withering the Ferns


Company Loves Misery (wip)

Grand Jete (wip)

I  want to find  more stories that are already done because I am so, so impatient!

Seeing Myself in September

I've been back at school now with a new bunch of kids for 6 days and I am ready for vacation all over again!  I have never been able to learn how to manage stress and I know it takes a toll on my overall health, which isn't so great to begin with. So I went to Whole Foods tonight and bought all kinds of stuff to try: chia seeds, flax seeds, hemp oil, herbal teas, kale, super greens juice, and a bunch of other stuff.

This next part makes me feel like such a dorky girl but after watching eat pray love and seeing julia roberts get all zen through meditation its making me want to learn how to meditate. So I have been checking out some of the stuff on this site I found: www.how-to-meditate.org

I just really, really, really don't want to get sick like I have either single school year so far. I also have been reading a lot about the raw foods diet which terrifies me quite a bit to be honest but I am getting sucked in by all the stories of people becoming super energetic and healthy once they start down that path. I think I could do it if it really did make me feel better. I would miss some foods (that is such an understatement!) but feeling well consistently would be worth it. It just seems like a lot of work to figure out what to eat and how to make it all work.

My other de-stress project has to do with the sorry state of my finances. I have to dig out of my debt somehow so I have made the extremely painful decision to stop buying books. That hurts to type! I self medicate with books in a big way but I know if I cut this out of my spending (along with magazines) I'll get back on my feet sooner. Which leads me to another goal... I need to cut down on the amount of fanfiction I read. I am still buying books at the volume & rate I used to before I discovered fanfiction but weeks go by during which I don't read even a page from an actual book since my eyeballs are glued to the computer screen. So I am telling myself that I have to stop buying books at least until I read a significant number of the books I have already purchased this year which leads to telling myself that I am not going to start any new fanfiction reading endeavours! No more cruising fanfiction.net for starters. But we shall see if I really hold firm this project since I am pretty much addicted at the moment.

This is the most awesome thing I've seen on youtube in forever... sigh double sigh...

And continuing with the Neil Young theme, this is one of my favorite things that Laura sings:

Opera Boyfriend... sigh, sigh, sigh

I want to see him sing again so much. He'll be in LA in November but the tickets are only available at this point in series subscriptions which I cannot afford. Also I don't so much want to hear an all Wagner program. Maybe he should let me write his program for him?  In other news I love youtube for giving me these clips.

White Cat

I am the worst person in the world at dealing with suspense. Nothing makes me more happy than discovering a new series after it is already complete letting me read straight through. I read this last night and I cannot handle the last page or so! I need the next book now. And look at its pretty cover:


Holly Black is just so cool. I love her writing! Now I just have to develop some patience while I wait for next spring to get here!